Alright, I seriously think there may be something wrong with me. I'm pretty sure everyone has days where they just get emotional and just need a good cry to get it out of there system, but I am also pretty sure that it is NOT normal to experience this daily. It seems like every day I wake up, clean or sit around and I just start crying, and I really have no valid reason for crying. I am generally a very happy person. I have a terrific family who supports me, an amazing boyfriend who loves me and would do anything for me, friends who are always there, what is wrong with me? Jason thinks I'm crazy, and I'm starting to believe him. Can anyone explain this to me?
I do know one thing for sure, I am so disgusted with myself right now. I looked in the mirror the other day and I couldn't believe what I saw. I have gained so much weight it's unreal. I finally made myself step on the scale (something I REALLY try to avoid doing at all costs) and discovered that I now weigh more then I did before I went through my anorexic episode. I completely lost it. And I'll admit, it literally made me sick. And suddenly food became my enemy again. But this time I'm not going to let it engulf me. I will never starve myself ever again. I'm going to do it right, I've started eating better and started working out again. I'm not really looking for a number anymore as far as how much I weigh, I just want to be a size 10 or 12 COMFORTABLY and just be healthier. I want to feel good about myself again. Because right now I don't.
So, my birthday is coming up. It's a pretty big 1 I guess. You do only turn 21 once, but honestly I don't really want to go out and get plastered. Does that make me strange? I've decided that I am just going to take a few close friends with me and we're going to go to Windsor and go dancing. Amanda, I really wish you could come with us, but if I were you I would NEVER come back to this side of the country from California. I know we could go to Toledo or Detroit to go out, but some of my friends are under 21 and would like to drink so Windsor is a good alternative. I'm hoping it's going to be a lot of fun, and it should, but no matter what it's got to be better than my last 3 birthdays.
Oh, and another thing I've come to discover about myself or should I say someone pointed out to me: I seem to be very needy. That's a first for me. I've always been the one that did everything for everyone else and expected nothing for myself. I guess I've become overly dependent on others all of a sudden. And I really am sorry. I'm not trying to take anyone or anything for granted. I've NEVER wanted that. I guess I have a lot of self evaluating to do and more growing up to do. I thought I was progressing well, I thought I was well advanced as far as maturity level goes for someone my age, but I guess I was wrong. Wow, it's great how life slaps you in the face.
I know this blog is very random, but different things hit me at different times. My head is all over the place and I am just trying to make sense of it. I would like to point out that by no means am I writing this for people to feel sorry for me or pity me. I don't need that. This is simply to clear my thoughts. I would like to thank all my real friends that are sticking by me through all my craziness and I know I don't make sense, but I am trying and you guys being there for me means the WORLD to me. I'll write more and actually give you guys an update of everything that is going on at a later time. Until next time...
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Yes, this post was random and it looks like you have a knot of thoughts all tied up in there somewhere. But I can say that I pretty much understand everything you said. I wish I were there to come with you to celebrate your birthday, too! Sounds like for whatever reason, you're just a little sad right now. Think of everything you have to look forward to. When I feel like this, I usually make a list of things I want to do (make sure to add easy stuff like 'clean out the fridge') and then I tackle things one by one. And even if I feel ugly or lonely or just plain overly-emotional, it usually puts me in a better mood knowing I've made progress and accomplished something, no matter how small. Think about the holidays coming and decorating the house and having apple cider and going on a hayride. Go to church and sing at the top of your lungs (you have a beautiful voice)- God usually can make you feel better faster than anything else. I hope you cheer up, but if you don't right now... you will. Giants hugs from the Golden State. :)
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